cww.blog!

I'm back from Washington, but the return trip came at considerable expense to my sanity.

My flight was supposed to leave from Dulles's terminal G, at which one arrives by taking a crappy little bus, at 5:25. I waited for the bus... and waited and waited. And, finally, the bus came, and I sat in it... and sat and sat. And, finally, the bus left the main terminal, and it drove to terminal G... and drove and drove.

Because waiting for the bus, waiting on the non-moving bus, and riding on the bus took so much time, I was a little worried about making my flight when we eventually arrived at the terminal. So, I ran from the bus to the gate and arrived at the gate around 5:17, a full eight minutes before the flight's scheduled departure.

The gate attendant was finishing yelling at someone over her walkie-talkie, so I let her do that, and then I told her I wanted to board the Pittsburgh flight. She said, "it's gone." I said, "what?" She said, "the plane left." I looked up at the board behind her, where the plane was clearly said to depart at 5:25, and I said, "that says 5:25." She said, "boarding closes ten minutes before departure." I said, "what?!" She said, "you'll have to go talk with customer service," and she motioned me to a conveniently located customer service desk, not more than 40 feet away, with a conveniently lengthy line extending from it.

I sort of stomped over to the end of the line and called Katy, who was planning to pick me up in Pittsburgh, to tell her I had just missed a flight because I was eight minutes early for it. After I spoke with her, the guy in front of me in line asked me if I'd just missed the Pittsburgh flight. I said yes, we chatted for a few minutes about how Dulles sucks peoples' souls (in a bad way), etc., and then we stood like good Englishmen. Except I guess neither of us are really good Englishmen, but wow, Englishmen really know how to queue. Anyway...

I got to the customer service desk shortly after the other guy did, and we were both nearly simultaneously finding out that the only other flight to Pittsburgh last night was already full and that we could either be put on standby for that flight or move our flights to the following morning (but not both!). At which point, I asked the customer service idiot, "how long does it take to drive to Pittsburgh?" The guy standing next to me said, "about four hours." Thus began the long trip home.

We had a happy meeting there at the customer service desk and were excited about the prospect of sharing the cost of a rental car and driving away from that airport as quickly as possible. Standby tickets in hand in case something went awry with the car rental, Kurt and I stomped off to stand in line for the bus back to the main terminal.

The plans were in place by the time we got to the main terminal (yet another long bus ride), and there, we searched for somewhere to access rental car companies. There was a line of phones, each connected to a rental car company, near the end of the baggage claim area. Kurt started on one end, and I started on the other.

"Hello?" "I'm interested in renting a car at Washington Dulles and driving it to Pittsburgh tonight. Can you tell me how much that's going to cost in your cheapest car?" "I have a line of 25 people standing on front of me and..." "Just tell me how much it's going to cost." "We don't do one-way rentals." Click.

And so it went.

Of the many car rental companies at Dulles, only Avis and Hertz would rent cars for one-way drives. Hertz said $87, and I believe Avis said $94 (Kurt found Avis.). Off we went to stand in the cold and wait for a Hertz bus.

We were the first people off the Hertz bus, so we had our pick of rental agents oozing faux-innocence when we walked into the office. A guy helped us rent a Corolla for $140 or so (nope, not $87 -- but we could have rented one of those new Mustangs for $180, don't ya know), and soon, we were leaving the airport, maps in hand and caution to the wind.

The four-hour drive was reduced to just over three hours, even with a stop at Boston Market somewhere in Maryland, by pushing 80 m.p.h. the entire way. Hell, it's a rental, and it only snowed for most of the drive.

We drove from Dulles International Airport to Pittsburgh International Airport (I don't think driving is how people normally do that.), replenished the half a tank of gas we used, and returned the car, no more than four hours after renting it.

Kurt had parked in extended parking, so we had to take a bus to get out there from the terminal, and on the way to the bus, we passed the baggage claim where the flight on which we were standby passengers had landed only half an hour or so prior. We were amused.

Having scraped the ice and snow off his car, we [put gas in it at the same place and] drove to Shadyside, where Kurt also happens to live.

So, that was last night. Now, I want to get United to answer these questions for me and, after providing me with satisfactory responses, reimburse me for all my costs last night:

• Planes do not really leave ten minutes before their departure times. Why did your gate agent lie to me?
• You knew I was in the airport with a boarding pass. Why did you not wait for me?
• Did you leave me behind because you had already filled my seat as a result of overbooking the flight?
• Why would any airline ever instate a policy of closing boarding ten minutes before departure? And, when did you start doing this?
• Does it bother you, given the current climate of airline bankruptcy and low-fare cost cutting, that I'm never going to fly United again and that I'm going to strongly encourage everyone I know to do the same?

As it turns out, Kurt's a really cool guy doing a post-doc at Pitt, and if I ever have free time in Pittsburgh again, we'll probably do drinks or coffee or dinner or something. And, as it turns out, we may have met each other anyway, because our seats for the flight were 4C and 4D.

United Airlines, I hate you, and you'll be hearing from me soon.